Wow... I had forgotten that I had 2 blogs.

This and one more. I had migrated to the other and I couldn't remember why.

And I found this post I wrote in 2013 June 9th

(migrated post content are in green)

WHY I started another blog than this one:

Not really sure except I want to:

1) Make a journal of the things I learn as this autism world is a whole new world to me and it's one of my outlets from stress.

2) Some of my last blog readers were pain in the neck and some have told me 'I am a terrible mom to expose my daughter's autism related info' I certainly don't think so. So I migrated to a new blog where hopefully they won't find me. Thus I don't mention my daughter's name here.

3) It took me such a long long time to accept the fact that we need to live with the reality and move on hoping that  the treatment will work and my daughter's system will fight all the bad things off. If I am doing the right thing, I hope to share with others or others to share with me.

Me, so far 2022

It's been almost 5 years since I wrote in here.
Life has brought me to a new chapter.

My girl, the main character of this blog has turned 15.
She is graduating junior high in March and going to High school.
Oh the journey of struggle we went through!

But we are here.
I should write about it next time.

I know no one visits me anymore here but I just saw a blog post of a friend (out of the blue) and I thought I would too.
She's a real influencer I must say haha.
You know who you are if you happen to read this :)

In my own little world of designing desk, it's been mostly photography and styling food.
I probably have a ratio of 1:9 . 1 Design : 9 photography jobs.

I don't know how this happened.
I started sharing my little girl's lunch boxes and snack, dinner preps and one by one little food styling jobs came in. Many were done free.
People were hungry for free photography and I had no experience and sheer idea of someone sending me their product in exchange of my styling and photography seemed okay. Actually, more than okay- really exicitng.

2 years later, now I am charging.
Sometimes I wonder how bold and I and so full of myself am I for charging but then it takes away a lot of my time and effort and I so do pour in myself into it.

I don't know how long and how big/small this will get but hopefully it will lead me right and teach me many things that I have yet to learn.

facebook vs Instagram

I haven't update my blog for so long!
We are all well and thriving.

I used to be an avid Facebook user.
I am more into Instagram than Facebook now.
Mostly because on Instagram I can learn from other ppl in the area of my interest.
And no one knows me enough to judge.
I am guessing most ppl feel the same way.
In my case, almost everyone I follow are artists or cooks.
And it pleases me that I am in that medium where I feel comfortable.

On Facebook, it's usually about my friends' everyday life.
I appreciate it all (especially to see their kids grow) but it's just too much.
I feel like I am re-living all those moments, like some sort of fast forward shot on a movie and it makes me go dizzy if I scroll down to see everything. (Yes I have a huge emotional antenna and I can receive just too much info...)
Plus, I have my own belief in religion and politics and it makes me angry to see some ppl who can't be kind. So I decided to take a step away from facebook for a while.
How long that "while" will take I don't know.

Halloween

I don't know if the chelation has paid off (but another coming soon).
Leigh's sound sensitivity has gone down considerably so I am allowing her to go to her first dress up Halloween event.
It's being held by her English class that we go every week.
The good thing is that she is looking forward to this! :)
She gets private class so I am not sure if who is coming but I hope she will have fun :)

Addition: 2017.1.30
She went as Tinkerbell and she won the "Best dresser" award! yay! yes, she was all smiles.

Sherlock Holmes

Guy: You are a bloody psychopath

Sherlock: No, just a high functioning sociopath

WISC-IV

(found this in draft so here I am uploading it today)
That's the name of IQ test.
I have dreaded for Leigh to take this test.

I am so scared to death that I would look at her differently when she gets a low score.
Because there are times when I wonder if she didn't comprehend what I say to her because of the communication problem due to her autism or if it's simply that her intellligence only goes that far.

I have always told myself "at least she is smart" "at least her intelligence is not out of touch".
There are so many kids with what we call who have low IQ and I always tell the moms that the score means nothing as it's just a score of how many questions the child has got right at that time of the day and it should not upset them. How naive I was... they weren't afraid of the score they were afraid to think how their child will live on their own if it is ever possible.

I still cannot forget the day I found out that my girl has autism and it hurt like hell and I cried for months. It still hurts but I can function normally most of the time now. I think if they tell me that she also has low IQ... I would be hurt all over again. And it will take another 3-4 years to heal and let me work and function again... I don't want to go through that again.

Bottom, line I am afraid to be hurt all over again this way.

If she has low IQ and she has no way to understand how others feel then how the heck is she going to survive after I am gone? there is just no answer.
And there is this little voice in my head saying "but.. but... she is in grade4 now and she is doing grade5 stuff in maths and sorts, if she had low IQ would that be possible? would it? she can learn and memorize and write her kanjis after writing a couple of times... or can play the piano like other girls her age... or even wins prizes at calligraphy competitions.. etc etc..."

I feel like I am dropped into a forever black hole and I am keep falling.
I get her result next Tuesday.

This is an update: 2016.09.4
Her IQ wasn't sky rocketing but not as low that she is considered 'concerning' in the intelligence area.
In the area of figuring things out, she did fairly well but in the area of understanding speech she wasn't so good. So if I can go back to the past, I would pat shoulder and tell myself there is no need to be worried so much. Okay, one task down. Next we have her brain wave test.

thinking aloud

My daughter's autism doesn't stop her from trying out what other girls and boys do at her age.
And I always tell her there is nothing she can't do.
It may take more time or effort but hey, why not go for it? there is nothing to lose.

And so it has become a habit that she follows almost the whole curriculum the others do (no judging here, other kids in her special class don't follow the reg. class curriculum but study what they are comfy with).

I find that what she struggles the most is keeping her patience to put in the effort because she doesn't see why she has to learn what she does. She learns because for the sake of pleasing me is what I think.

In the beginning I used to think what a good girl!

But now.... I feel like "that shouldn't be the reason why she does this!".
I don't think she would be an academic in the future, I don't think she will go through the regular path to reach whatever she becomes or not in the future (I know the potential is there but unfortunately the path will be a unique one since not everybody will accept her at the current state of the society where they see autistic people as incomplete).

If this is so, shouldn't she be focusing on what she is good at? instead of learning how to divide and multiply fractions?
She can talk far more than what I expected she will from 5 years ago. But it's nothing close to girls her age. Her comprehension of the world is unique and the spectrum of her vision or focus starts else where than others and ends else where of others again. It's as if she is a foreigner to this world.
She needs much guidance but she happily tries to work around it, try to do what others do.. but I know it's a pain because her head tells her that's what not her world is about. It's like slowing and painfully bending her so that she fits in the box one day. Tsk tsk...

Do I make any sense?
I am just babbling on what I feel and understand what I see from her.
What I am trying to say is.... should she be learning more arts outside of the school and even shorten school time if I was to be exagerate it... I even have doubts when I think of Kumon that she does.
She puts in an hour to two on it everyday. she puts another on her home work then another half an hour to her piano practice everyday... it's starting to be a lot like a routine.
I would not talk about this if she enjoyed it but I know she doesn't.

I know she would rather spend the day watching youtube and play games on her wiiU if that was allowed. (I rather her do Kumon if she was going to play wiiU though)

What am I saying here?
(excuse me, I will get there soon)
I think what I want to say is that I want to be able to arrange her little time after school till she goes to sleep in a more useful way... compactly educational, and widely creative.
Then I get a stab in the side of my brain..

How do I achieve that... I will have to plan something.

the antenna in me

I finally finished a branding project for a local speech therapist.
It came out quite lovely. The whole process was very politely handled, especially in terms of communicating with the client. He never stopped being polite and always thought ahead of how I would feel when he said anything. This is not a norm in my work. Most clients think they can remote control me pretty roughly when I design for them. I am supposed to shut my mouth and comply but it usually finishes with a stomach ache.

I believe I have a this parabola dish antenna in me that helps to catch a person's "want" and "needs" when they ask me to design for them. I usually keep it 'on' so that I don't waste time turning it on (yes it is old style, it doesn't turn on in a sec). This way I can catch and store lots of inspirations through thing I see and feel in my everyday life and it helps when I have to design something.

You see, having this antenna turned 'on' has its own problems too.
When ppl say ugly things, it's a double blow. Let me rephrase that, "it hurts a lot".
When ugly things happen while the antenna is "off" (which is rare) it doesn't hurt as much.

I believe I only manage to design and give what my clients like if I have the antenna "on" but keep it "on" has its own price. Being hurt too easily .... then I crawl into my own space and recuperate and come out to the world again when I am better.

Sounds weird? it's how I roll.

why why why

I had a long talk with a mom from school today.
She is one that bothered me for some time. But I just don't know what is the right thing to do...
I think her husband hits her. And I have seen bruises on her.
Hoping she would open to me (hoping that would make her feel better) I talked to her today.
I am sure it was harder for her to open up though I know she tried to talk to me a several times but stopped because there were kids around us.
I won't type away her problems here but the bottom line is people have such hard time when they have a child with special need child and does not get support.
Why is it so difficult for people to understand?