Then he moved back to Korea this May and in late summer I get a call. A dawning scary call saying he might be leaving us in a few days because he was bleeing in his brain and even the operation they did on him have limitation to how much it can help him at this stage. We were all so nervous and I flew to Korea to go see him. He was kept alive by the tubes around him all inserted inside him doing their whatever jobs they were suppose to do.
We prayed his conscious would return, we didn't even expect him to step out from his bed but the least we needed was his returned conscious.
He went on to be like this for weeks and I went back home thinking he would be better when I return next.
On the 11th of Septemeber he left us in his hospital bed.
I wasn't even at his bed side.
I don't know which is better, to have someone leave you all of sudden or giving you time to absorb what's happening and what may happen pretty soon.
Either way, you can never be prepared for it.
People patted me on my shoulder, hugged me, giving me kind words.
I couldn't even cry, just felt like it was very dark around me and for some reason I couldn't think either.
Then in weeks I started to accept. He has left us. How ever much we get down about it, life goes on. Things still go on. And it will be like this every time someone around me leaves, even when my time comes.
So many memories with him speed by in my head. Some say before dying they see a short film of their life in their head, I think that sort of things happen to the family too. Bad things get filtered away, only the rest stays.
If it wasn't for K and Leigh, I would probabIy be in my pyjamas in bed feeling sorry for myself. I am not quite sharp yet (I don't know why but this experience has left me very numb) but I am doing what I can to get my everyday things going as best as I can. I don't want to be the mom who just dwells in her own miseries either, that wouldn't be fair for my girl.
There are so many things I want to say, what happens after death? what's the right thing to do now? why now... I am starting to not make sense.
I should sign out.
I will pour my thoughts out next time.
Wishing you all a great day.
5 comments:
my condolances go out to you! so sad that your dad passed away. i guess we all know that death is a reality of life, but still it feels so unreal every time someone dies. I hope you are ok.
big hug! :)
Thanks Luuworld, I keep telling myself it's the order of life... you come and then you go...unreal, yes it's so unreal. I feel like my dad will call me anytime now to ask how I am doing.
I am so sorry for your loss. Its also okay to hang out in your pajamas and cry or be sad if it strikes you but yes thank goodness for your loves k and l. im sure they make things better. if i could id come and bring you delicious foods and candies. sending my hugs and love!!
Shellie, thanks.
It's strange how English speaking friends tell me it's okay to be sad and Japanese speaking friends tell me to stay strong and don't cry. I guess everyone means well though. I think I am okay, especially when I am doing something, it's best if I am occupied but not really ready to have fun. Hope that day comes soon.
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